


this is home.

by two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: "don't be stubborn try it", Angst, Coming Out, F/F, FTM Dipper, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Lesbian Pacifica, Questioning, Trans Dipper, based off of prompt:, bisexual Mabel, hand-holding, i made it soft because i needed softness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 16:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20727401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat/pseuds/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat
Summary: "Don't be stubborn, try it!"Pacifica's parents have been telling her this her whole life. About everything from dying her hair blonde, to dating boys.She's sick of it.





	1. i cannot fall in love, well i guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hela_spawn_of_loki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hela_spawn_of_loki/gifts).

> yo dudes. enjoy this fic. it's written for the prompt "don't be stubborn, try it!" submitted via tumblr by hela_spawn_of_loki. i think it was meant to be a fluff prompt but i made it angst because. a n g s t.

“Don’t be stubborn, try it!” 

People have been saying this to Pacifica all her life. Of course, the context changes over time. When she’s a kid, it’s about staying up all night to attend her parents’ fancy galas. When she’s older, it’s about things like wearing makeup and heels and not making friends. But the line always stays the same. 

“Don’t be stubborn, try it.”

Her parents use it on her when she’s six years old and they’re trying to convince her to dye her hair blonde for the first time. 

(Not that she actually has a choice in the matter. They’re going to dye her hair blonde whether she agrees to it or not. But her parents want her to say that she’s fine with it. It’ll make things easier.)

Pacifica says something about how she likes her natural red hair. She doesn’t know anyone else with hair like hers. She says she thinks it’s pretty. Her parents think this is ridiculous, but they don’t show it. Instead, Mrs. Northwest plasters on one of her signature fake smiles and says, “Oh come on, it’ll be fun to have blonde hair! You’ll be just like a princess.”

I don’t want to be a princess, Pacifica thinks, though she would never say it out loud. 

“I like my red hair,” she says instead. 

“Oh come on,” says her mom. “Don’t be stubborn. Try it.”

And there are the words. 

So Pacifica decides, oh, to heck with it. A few hours later she’s blonde - not a red hair in sight. 

(Her parents start asking her to straighten her hair, too, shortly after they start making her dye it. Pacifica doesn’t understand why, but she goes along with it. It makes her parents happy, even if it makes her miserable. And whenever someone makes a comment on her hair color, she tells them she’s a natural blonde.)

As she gets older, Pacifica gets used to the phrase. 

“Don’t be stubborn, just try it.”

It develops a sort of new meaning in her mind, as she gets older. It’s what her mom always pulls out as soon as she’s found a new way for Pacifica to conform. It’s what Pacifica’s dad says about the parties and the ballgowns and the hostile attitude he wants Pacifica to have toward everyone else. Pacifica, personally, doesn’t like any of it very much. She would rather just sleep at night than stay up dancing, and she prefers jeans to dresses. But she doesn’t have a choice. She has to keep her family’s reputation pristine. 

Like, when Pacifica turns thirteen and all the other girls around her start showing interest in boys, and Pacifica… she doesn’t really understand it at all. Sure, she wouldn’t mind being friends with boys. (Not that her parents would ever let her have real friends, ones she got to pick for herself without worrying about how it made the Northwest family look). But when it came to actually dating boys, well, Pacifica simply didn’t see the point. 

And at first, her parents are fine with this, because it isn’t any good to have your preteen daughter running around with random boys. Bad for appearances, and all that. But as Pacifica gets older, her parents get worried. Their child hasn’t done any of the normal teenager things. She hasn’t gotten into boy bands like Sev’ral Timez and she hasn’t had a celebrity crush and she hasn’t even fallen for a kid her age, yet. Her parents start to wonder if there’s something wrong with her. Pacifica starts to wonder if there’s something wrong with her. 

Enter Mabel Pines. 

Mabel Pines, who’s glittery and colorful and funny and so full of life and she’s so, so free. Mabel Pines, who is everything that Pacifica has always wanted to be and who has everything Pacifica has always wanted, but could never, ever have. Mabel Pines, who never shuts up about her latest crushes. 

On... boys. 

That’s the part where Pacifica’s a bit annoyed. 

Why would Mabel like boys? Like that? It doesn’t make sense, logically. Really the real question is how could Mabel ever like boys like that. She has a new crush each week. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. They’re all she ever talks about. 

(Well, that. And glitter. And kittens. And rainbows. Pacifica listens to Mabel talk a lot. She likes the sound of her voice, not that she would ever admit it.)

(Pacifica… really likes Mabel. All of her.)

Pacifica likes Mabel. And it takes a little while for her to figure out exactly how she feels about her. But she gets there, eventually. 

Pacifica’s in love with Mabel Pines. 

Her parents would disown her if they knew. 

This all happens when she’s thirteen. She doesn’t know how to handle it, so she turns her love into anger and she channels her frustration and she forces herself to hate Mabel Pines. It’s what her parents want her to do, anyway, so why shouldn’t she just try it?

And maybe, if she makes herself hate Mabel hard enough, she can start to like boys. She can make herself like boys. That’s how it works, right? You get to choose? 

(Pacifica doesn’t really know how it works at all. Her parents have never spoken to her about such things - they wouldn’t dare. And the sex ed class at school only covered boys dating girls, not anything like this. But whenever she’s heard anyone talking about this sort of thing, this… perverted gay thing, well, they always say it’s a choice. So she should be able to make herself like boys. Bam. Problem solved.)

(Problem… not solved.)

She ends up befriending Mabel’s brother, Dipper, even though she’s heard the stories about how he’s wrong, too. She heard her parents talking about how Stan had two great-nieces when they arrived in Gravity Falls, and how now, one of them’s parading herself around like a boy, using a boy’s name, with a boy’s haircut and boy clothes. She hears her parents talking about how Dipper’s an abomination against God, an abomination against society. How he’s just a confused and scared little girl. 

But then she meets him and he’s just a boy. 

Pacifica’s dad has hired him to get rid of their little haunting problem, and Pacifica’s scared, because she doesn’t want to have to socialize with a transgender. But then she actually meets him. And she doesn’t see a girl at all. She finds she’s never really looked at him before, but when she sees him in a suit, running around the mansion with his nerdy little book, she only sees a boy. Not a girl playing dress-up. She finds that she really wants to be his friend. 

And then she befriends Dipper, and she ends up befriending Mable shortly after.


	2. i'll figure out a way to get us out of here.

The Pines twins have to leave Gravity Falls, but they come back next year. And Pacifca’s had a year to try and get rid of her feelings for Mabel, but the damn things won’t just go away. The way Pacifica can barely talk when she’s around her, the way her stomach does little somersaults, the way she wants to do nothing but stand by Mabel’s side, even if it causes her to feel this way, because for some reason, all of these feelings are just so nice. Well, Pacifica realizes she hasn’t gotten over her. 

It sucks. 

And it goes the same way the next summer, and the one after that. And Pacifica still won’t date boys, no matter what her parents say, and she’s still enamored with Mabel, who’s now one of her best friends, and Pacifica hates herself for it. She’s heard what kids at school say about lesbians - how they’re stalkers and rapists and creeps, predators who prey on young girls. Pacifica doesn’t want to be one. She’s sixteen, now. She’s been trying to get rid of these feelings for three years, and they won’t go away.

And what’s worse is that her parents starting to get concerned about he. Because Pacific doesn’t like boys that way, and her parents don’t know why. But they want her to start dating. They’re trying to set her up with young men who they consider to be formidable (and, of course, incredibly wealthy) but Pacifica refuses to go along with it. Her parents go from worried to furious. 

“You have to keep up appearances.”

“It’ll help with my business deal.”

“You’ve never even gone out with a boy before.”

“Everyone else your age has a boyfriend.”

“Don’t be picky, go on now.”

“Don’t be childish, he’s such a nice guy.”

“Don’t be stubborn, try it.”

But Pacifica refuses to budge. She doesn’t run away, not yet. She could never. But she thinks about it. Thinks about how much freedom it would bring her, to leave her old life behind and to go somewhere else, anywhere else, to get the heck out of Gravity Falls and to find a home somewhere where no one knows what the Northwest title even means. But she knew she couldn’t, no matter how much she wanted it. 

But she still managed to do her fair share of sneaking out. 

Sneaking out at night to visit the Mystery Shack, so see Dipper and hear his conspiracy theories, to see Mabel and try to pretend she wasn’t still incredibly in love with her. Sometimes, it went the other way, where the Pines twins snuck into Pacifica’s house. She kept a ladder hidden in the shrubbery beneath her window. She paid the gardener and he kept quiet. 

(She finds it funny that her parents still hire gardeners. That they still care so entirely about keeping up their image. It’s post Weirdmaggedon, the Northwest family name isn’t what it was, and her father has lost them a good amount of their fortune.)

(Pacifica’s beginning to think that a lot of what her family does, and has always done, is rather ridiculous. Not that she would ever say it out loud.)

But Pacifica’s not doing so bad. She’s okay.

Sure, she’s been better. Her parents aren’t pleased with her, and she doesn’t have any friends other than the Dipper and Mabel, and she’s still trying to deal with her stupid feelings for the one and only Mabel Pines. But that’s sort of how it’s always been, so really, there hasn’t been much of a change. 

It’s a warm summer night and Pacifica hears a knock on her window. 

It’s soft and faint, and she’s surprised to hear it. She wasn’t expecting company, not tonight. Whenever the twins are coming over to her place all three of them have to come up with a plan to make sure no one gets caught. Pacifica has to make sure that her parents won’t find out about anything. She has to cut a few wires on security cameras, bribe some housekeepers. Normally, she’ll have to prepare for at least two days in advance. The Pines twins don’t come over unannounced, not ever. 

Pacifica slips silently out of bed and walks over to the window.

“Mabel?” Pacifica’s head is all fuzzy, and she can barely see anything in the darkness of the night, but she’s pretty sure that’s who’s at her window. She opens it up. 

“Hey Paz,” Mabel says, climbing through the window and into Pacifica’s bedroom. 

“Make sure to take off your sneakers,” Pacifica says. Mabel does, setting them by the window, trying not to get any dirt on the floor. Pacifica notices that she’s wearing pajamas, which is weird. Normally the twins come over in day clothes, in jackets and t-shirts and jeans. And that’s another thing that’s odd… normally the twins come over as, well, as twins. 

It’s just Mabel this time.

“What’s up?” Pacifica asks, whispering, trying not to wake her parents. She’s walking across the room and grabbing flashlights, and a little plastic shoebox full of snacks she keeps hidden in the back of her closet. She hands a flashlight to Mabel, who turns it on, the beam of light shining weakly in front of her. 

Mabel shrugs. “Just felt like a visit.”

Pacifica should be mad. She should be furious. Mabel could have been caught, she could have gotten them both into trouble, could have gotten Pacifica grounded for a week, even a month. But Pacifica’s not really angry. She’s too tired to be angry. She’s just a little frustrated, a little confused. She’s also pretty busy thinking about how Mabel Pines “Just felt like a visit,” just wanted to see Pacifica, just probably climbed out of bed in the middle of the night without changing out of her pajamas, popped on her sneakers and trekked across town in the dark, pulled out the ladder and climbed up to Pacifica’s window to say hello and exchange other pleasant greetings. 

Pacifica tries to not overanalyze it, but she can and she will and she does.

Mabel Pines is in her room, and Dipper’s not here. 

Pacifica’s heart starts beating so fast, she can almost hear it humming.

“Want a snack?” Asks Pacifica, trying to act normal. Like she doesn’t have the biggest crush in the world on the girl across from her, the girl wearing the most adorable pink pajamas and a giant genuine smile. 

Mabel nods and Pacifica hands her some peanut butter and a spoon and she says thanks. The two try not to think about why Pacifica feels the need to keep extra food rations in her room. They try not to think about the times when Pacifica’s been grounded for weeks on end for something that’s barely worth a talking to, and they try not to think about the times her parents have told her to watch her weight, to eat less at dinner because she has to keep her perfect bikini body. 

Pacifica’s the one who start conversation. 

“How’s HRT going for Dipper?”

Mabel smiles. “It’s great. He… oh my god, Paz, he’s so happy. You should see him. Here, I’ve got pictures.”

Mabel pulls out her phone, sets the brightness to the lowest possible level, and then goes to her camera roll. She shows pictures of Dipper with their parents and pictures of him standing next to Grunkle Stan, and he does look happy. It makes Pacifica happy, too. She hasn’t seen either of the twins in a while - they were out of town for a few weeks with their parents and Stan and Ford (who stopped their journey around the world to support Dipper’s transition) getting a bunch of paperwork out of the way so that they could start Dipper on T and get him a legal name change (he’s switching to ‘Mason’ and it really does suit him) and Pacifica hasn’t seen either of the twins in a while. 

They look at the photos on Mabel’s phone, and soon they’re past pictures of Dipper and they’re just looking at whatever Mabel has on her camera roll. It’s mostly memes, and weird videos of Mabel, Candy, and Grenda going about crazy shenanigans. Pacifica’s relaxed. She’s happy. She’s really, really happy. 

She almost jumps when Mabel reaches out to hold her hand. 

“You’re wearing the sweater I gave you?” Mabel says, noting Pacifica’s shirt. It’s the one with the llama on it, and it’s almost too small, now. She’s glad it was big on her when she got it, because she’s been able to wear it for so long. 

“Yeah,” she replies. She’s trying to sound cool. 

(Note: She isn’t cool and she doesn’t sound cool, but let’s give her some credit for trying.)

They’re flipping through Mabel’s camera roll and they get to a series of photos of Mabel and Dipper at a parade, waving flags, surrounded by rainbows.

“When was this?” Asks Pacifica. 

“A little while before we came to visit Gravity Falls this year,” Mabel says. “We were at the Pride Parade in Oakland. See?”

If Pacifica’s heart was humming earlier, it’s practically doing somersaults, now. She looks at the flags they’re waving. Dipper has the trans one, with blue and pink and white. And Mabel…

“Is that the bi flag?” Asks Pacifica. She’s not really familiar with this sort of thing - why would she be? Her family would never let her have access to this sort of information. She only knows what the trans flag looks like because of Dipper. 

Mabel nods. “Yeah.” 

“You’re bi?”

“Yeah.” Mabel cocks her head to the side. “Didn’t I ever tell you?”

“No?”

“Oh.” Mabel shrugs. “Well, I’m bi. God, I thought everyone knew.”

They’re both quiet for a moment. 

“Pacifica?’

“Yeah?”

“I like you.”

“I like you too, Mabel.”

“I like you a lot, Paz. Like, a lot a lot.”

“Oh.” Pacifica’s eyes widen, now. “Oh.”

Mabel stops holding Pacifica’s hand, pulling it away. “I’m sorry, this is really weird, I should probably stop, you probably don’t feel the same way and that’s okay and I’m cool with it, I should be getting home now, anyway, I’m sorry for waking you up, and-”

“It’s okay, Mabel. I like you too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“I’m gay.”

“Okay.”

They look at each other again. Pacifica reaches out for Mabel’s hand. 

Mabel hugs her instead. 

“Do your parents know?”

“Of course not, they would throw me out if they knew.”

“Are we a thing, now?”

“I don’t think we can ever be a thing.”

“Why not?”

“Parents.”

“They don’t have to know.”

“Pacifica?”

“Mabel?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Pacifica doesn’t say anything. 

“Could we…” Mabel pulls out of the hug. “Could we maybe just try it? Just once?”

Pacifica leans in and she kisses Mabel. 

They spend the rest of the night flipping through photos, whispering secrets to each other, eating peanut butter from the rations in Pacifica’s closet. They don’t discuss what they are. It all feels too new, too taboo, like if they say anything about it it’ll disappear. Mabel leaves when they realize dawn is beginning to break outside Pacifica’s window, and they won’t have much time before her parents are up, and so Mabel climbs out the window, down the ladder, stowing it in the topiary. 

They don’t see each other for another few days, but when they meet again, they hug and kiss and all of it happens without a second thought. And Dipper’s there, and he’s happy, because “Oh finally you two got together, that took fucking ages guys, I though this would never happen, oh thank god, the pining has come to an end,” and Pacifica knows he’s joking because he’s Dipper and she knows he’s happy to see his sister happy, and they’re all just so happy. 

Pacifica likes being with Mabel. 

She likes being happy, even if she has to hide it from the rest of the world. 

Her parents don’t know. They can’t know. Pacifica’s sixteen, she’s a teenager, but she can’t survive on her own. She can’t survive if she’s streeted, she can’t survive if she’s homeless. She still feels like a child. Her parents would throw her out if they knew, or they’d send her to conversion therapy. They can’t know. 

Mabel’s parents don’t know. They wouldn’t care, but there’s the smallest chance that they might let it slip to someone else that Mabel and Pacifica are dating, and word might reach Pacifica’s parents, and if that were to ever happen, well, it’s the same old story. Conversion therapy. Counseling. Being streeted, being homeless. Pacifica shivers at the thought of it. 

Pacifica’s parents are still trying to get her to be with boys, and she’s going to lose it soon, she swears. She can barely hold her temper. She’s started to go out with some of them, just to make her parents less suspicious, and Mabel knows this and she’s fine with this. You do what you’ve got to do. Pacifica refuses to stay in any long term relationships with them, but that’s fine by her parents. They’re just glad to see that their daughter is finally showing interest in boys. 

Or at the very least, pretending to. 

In the evenings she’s sneaking out to Mabel’s to watch movies while cuddled under a pile of blankets, or Mabel’s climbing in through her window and they sit on Pacifica’s bed and quietly enjoy each others’ company. They talk about what they’ll do when they’re older, how they’ll get as far away from the Northwests as possible, how Pacifica wants to change her last name, how she’s going to do everything she ever wanted to do, how she’ll stop bleaching her poor hair and let it be red again, and she’ll wear what she wants and do what she wants and be whatever she wants to be.

It’s a nice dream to have, it really is. 

Pacifica’s starting to think that maybe, someday, it will become her reality.

**Author's Note:**

> man i should be getting sleep i need to get more sleep.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you're curious about podficcing or translating this work, and I will get back to you with details ASAP.


End file.
